Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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