Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
you traded sex for a burrito?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
