Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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