i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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