My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We have started to decorate penises.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
