I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My vagina just clenched in fear
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I did not marry a roomba.
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