i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
