why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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