And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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