If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
