I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
