Betty ford says i'm here all night
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
