I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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