You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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