Someone shit on the floor
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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