So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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