U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Randomize
