She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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