i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize