I think I died a long time ago.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
