I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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