I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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