Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
