the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
