I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
