did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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