Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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