So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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