i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize