the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize