you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
