so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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