The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
