dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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