how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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