i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
