she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
