Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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