Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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