there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
