Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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