i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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