I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
