well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
