You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
