we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize