It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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