I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
