She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I think i got beer on your cat.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
