I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
don't judge my taste in strippers
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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