I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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