She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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