As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
