Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
