Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
