im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize