FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
