when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
