Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
