dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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