I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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