The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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